Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
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does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something