[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
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[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..