[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
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Milk Cube
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.