@realslimswamy: Arm wrestling is for guys who like to hold hands with other guys while staring into their eyes.
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@theshamingofjay: Life Goals Me at 14 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex Me at 34 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex
@fro_vo: [watching wonder woman] *wonder woman comes onscreen* Me: (leans over to date) that's wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
@inmynewskin: I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
@TheNardvark: She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.