Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
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facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon