*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
You Might Also Like
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
any last words?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*