Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
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alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Me trying to reach for my goals
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh