Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
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Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.