Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
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Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.