*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
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I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
The USS B port
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”