*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
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*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.