[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
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Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
the three branches of government
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!