@RuffaloShuffle: Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to "Hey Arnold"
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@juliussharpe: The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can't complete calls.
@Loli_Sug: My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
@leahlovescheez: My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.