Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
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‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉