arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
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All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Breaking news:
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
No way!
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
don’t we all
A short story of betrayal: