arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE