AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
You Might Also Like
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
My boss called in sick of me
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.