[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
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My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
One venti cheeseburger please.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”