[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
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ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”