Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
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Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.