*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
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Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I love the National Park Service.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.