*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.