[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
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Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Monday?
No. Next question.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?