God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
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Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
i wish i could marry a nap
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
the only organized thing in my life is crime
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Don’t snitch tag.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.