@2p2TrollCat: Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.
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@AristotlesNZ: Boss: "Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what'd go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a nice..Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
@SoVeryBritish: How to fix something: -Say "let's have a look" -Describe the brokenness -Break it a bit more -Say "nah it's broken" -Place hands on hips
@iRowlf: My girlfriend thinks that I can't cook, but as soon as I figure out how much Play-Doh is supposed to go in meatloaf, I'll prove her wrong.
@just1fool: I used to want to live in the sewers with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a kid so I'd say I'm a success compared to that.