@2p2TrollCat: Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.
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@Parkerlawyer: *camping* Son, "What's the wifi password?" Me, "We're communing with nature, get off your phone." Son, "Does communing have two m's or one?"
@ch000ch: 2000 years ago: god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life Today: god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
@pauleggleston: 'Hello Microsoft support, what's the nature of the problem?' 'Eggshell' 'Eggshell??' 'Yesh' 'Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?'
@BritXNic: I'm sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.