My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Hamburger Hinderer.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.