Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
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If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
TRAIN’S HERE
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.