Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
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If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.