Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
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They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
me after eating Cheetos
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.