*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
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I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.