[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
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I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost