@IntrepidDeviant: *Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that's my girlfriend.
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@TheBoydP: *spins in circles* *dies* *gets stuck in corner* *dies* *spins in circle* *dies* [Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
@ashmensch: Good neighbors never bother you. Great neighbors don't call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.