*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
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Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Saving my good tweets for marriage
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Thrilling chase underway
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
reminder
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.