[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
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I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?