[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
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*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Mornin
I’m not average. I’m mean.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.