[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
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me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away