*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
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in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.