*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
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A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already