*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
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Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
can’t believe I got front row seats
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.