(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
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ok like just. call me at this point
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
The human personality is made of five key elements
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad