Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
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bury ourselves
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.