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I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I’m dying louder than usual today.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
road rage
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.