*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
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Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Finally, an explanation.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Ha.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]