Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
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Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.