*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
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I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.