[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
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If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Never ghost your hitman.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
The Sun
Duck typos.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.