[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison