[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
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Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien