[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
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Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.