[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
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I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
sry
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May