[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
You Might Also Like
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.