[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
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We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.