Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
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Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Jupiter
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls